“I Wish That I Thought Differently”

Dear Survivor,

Guess what??? You’re not a helpless little girl anymore.

I know it has been difficult adapting to the challenges that this coronavirus outbreak has brought all over the world. Everyone is doing their best to overcome this considerable degree of fear and worry as the pandemic continues to rapidly sweep and affect our lives.

It was completely devastating to witness people who started losing their sanity and the rising levels of loneliness, depression, and self-harm or suicidal behavior. Moreover, the shock and grief that consumes you after knowing that some people you personally knew have lost a family member to suicide or the virus itself.

If there’s a single thing that you would fit in and worth advocating for, it is to support mental health awareness. I know you have this toxic trait of not speaking up and instantly distancing yourself whenever you are feeling huge emotion that makes you catch your breath and lose sleep with anxiety and worry. But I also knew that you are able to bounce back stronger, every single time!

@ein11eleven

#DearSurvivor #MeaningfulStorytelling #ComcoSEAWriteToIgniteSeason2

♬ original sound – EINz – EINz

Remember, your only dream before was to find the courage to speak up and communicate your feelings? And as you grow older, you came to realized that what had happened in the past silenced you and made you anxious about almost everything? You are confused, irritated, angry, scared, startled easily, ashamed, and have negative thoughts and beliefs as a child. You are shattered even before you see the beauty of this world.

You do not have a better understanding of where all “those” emotions were coming from. You burst into tears alone whenever you have flashbacks of those unwanted memories. The worst part? It is not a single incident. It repeatedly happened until you reached your teenage years. In. Every. Chance. He. Can. Get. Sexual assault was something that’s too embarrassing to discuss. Those unwanted touches alone make you resist talking about what had happened. Why? You never want to go through that every detail, again. When you are instructed not to tell it to anyone? confused, but the 7-year-old you willingly obliged. Typically, the abuse came from someone you knew. A relative who is welcome inside your home, a close relative you have at family gatherings. It is a painful and traumatic family secret that even your sisters and cousins encountered and were forced to keep. That is how your old generation handled it.

Remember how you cope? You cope singing worship songs at church even if it means going alone. It is like pouring your heart out because only God sees your pain. You cope telling yourself that you are still lucky you did not end up getting raped. But still, it felt disgusting.

Do you recall the 11-year old you who curled up on the corner, heart pounding fast, and was too scared because you are left alone at home? He was trying to convince you to open the door, saying mom has left a message for you. You are too worried and scared. What if he successfully breaks in?! You felt relieved that he gives up trying. Good thing you are growing up and knew better at the time. You also physically grow up that you were able to protect your own self in every encounter.

But what you fail to protect was your feelings. It manifested a lasting effect on you. Sometimes you are okay, and the other time not. You are drowning with depression and cry your heart out and nobody knew. You become highly emotional. You struggle to manage your feelings. You struggle to maintain relationships even before they get started. You always run. You avoid emotional conversations and fail to express how you truly feel. You turn your back from everything whenever you experience recurrent flashbacks and unexplainable emotions. You create difficult scenarios in your head and wind up alone. You detached yourself because you overthink too much and refused to be a burden. And from overthinking comes a feeling of unworthiness and distrust. You ache for a lot of reassurance.

During those times, no amount of inspirational quotes or “this too shall pass” ever worked. What you needed is time alone, distancing yourself to regain your sense of self-control. And as you bounce back, the world is still waiting for a fresh start with people who choose to stay even if you kept on pushing them away.

But, you know what? I know you never quite fully heal. I can tell because it still weighing you down. You are still afraid to be alone with your thoughts because it repeatedly comes back. You still cry, a lot. And I am telling you now, learn to accept and release all your pain. The problem is, you are still insisting to deserve a better past rather than accepting what had happened. You still wished that it should have happened differently. You still wished that your younger self has someone who sits in with you and helps you NOT to suppressed all your pain and emotions.

Healing requires a lot of work and effort. You are now brave enough to share this struggle and advocate overcoming mental health challenges. I say I see you, and I’m here. 💙

Now go and help the world normalize seeking help for a mental health professional to heal and stabilize emotions. Together, let’s learn how to communicate and reach out. Remind everyone that we need to keep going and keep on surviving whatever life throws at us. We got this.

“This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis.  The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.“